Why can't I hold onto you?
by X.Devils-Sweetheart.X
Summary: Everybody assumes that Mac tried to stop Stella going. But what if he was the one who told her to go for it? Even if it went against every moral fiber in his body, and broke his heart to do so.


"_There's no one around who picks me up when I'm down like you do,"_

**- Trapt - Who's going home with you tonight? -**

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><p>Mac let a sigh escape his thin lips as he cast a look over the letter he was holding; towards the tall Greek woman that stood in front of him. Her hands clasped together so tightly that her knuckles were starting to turn white. "When did you get the letter?" he asked finally, as he placed the letter on his desk.<p>

Stella hesitated for a moment. That moment was long enough for Mac to see the insecurity and doubt in her eyes. "About a week ago now," she replied slowly, "... I would have told you sooner but- well..." she paused before breathing deeply. "The truth is I don't know what to do Mac."

"You should take it," he replied, almost as if he'd be programmed to. "You're a good CSI Stella, there's no denying that. This is the best move for your career... and God knows you'd excel at running a lab single-handedly." He tried to smile, but only managed a half-hearted one.

Stella nodded in numb agreement, she was suddenly grateful for it being the nightshift so the lab was almost silent, except from the gentle humming of the computers. "But the team is here," she argued weakly.

"And they'll all be telling you to go after this job, Stell. You deserve it; for all you've been through and for all you've done for this city and its people." He told her firmly.

Stella closed her eyes for a long moment before looking back to Mac. Her emerald green eyes sent an electrical impulse throughout Mac's body; making his nerves sting and burn. "What about you?"

"I think you should go for it too," he said, his tone pathetic. He was a coward and they both knew it. He'd learnt from the past. The moment that he got close enough to somebody then God or fate would tear them away. Claire and Peyton stood testament to that. But he could not lose Stella; not his 'Stell', not ever. He'd rather have her go to a different state then lose her for good.

Stella sighed, she wasn't annoyed; just tired of the same old song and dance that they'd been in for too long now. It happened each time they had a chance of actually happening. They'd get too close and one of them would get scared and turn and run, then they'd act like nothing happened. They'd continue on as best friends. And she was tired of it. "Mac, you know I meant-"

"I know," he interrupted. He reached his hand out slowly and gently stroked her lower arm. "Will you ever move on if you stay here? Will either of us truly move on if we keep to our old routine?" he said gently.

Stella shook her head, as she looked to her feet – now unable to look at her co-worker. "I know." She admitted, "I-I'm just scared... all I've ever known is this place." For a moment Mac looked to her and swore he could have seen the little girl that had grown up mostly alone in that orphanage. Over the course of their friendship he'd only seen her like this on a couple occasions. And it petrified him.

As if it was a natural instinct he pulled her into his arms, and inhaled her scent. "You're the strongest person I know Stell, if anyone can do this – then it's you."

She nodded against him, refusing to let any tears fall. "I won't have anyone there, I'll be back where I started again." She told him, sniffing slightly as he slowly released her.

His blue eyes met her green, like they had so many times before. "And I'll be just a phone call away." He replied simply. "You won't be back where you started – I promise."

Stella nodded slowly. "I better go reply back to them then," she said slowly, he could still see the fear in her eyes that he knew wouldn't leave until she was settled in her new job. How long that would take though, he didn't know. "Thanks Mac, I'm going to miss you a lot," she said heading towards the door.

"The feelings mutual." He replied, which was probably the only emotionally truthful thing he'd said during the whole conversation.

Her hand hesitated on the door handle for only a split second. "Can I ask you something?"

"Technically, that's a question within itself." Mac replied, earning himself an eye roll from Stella. "But besides that, yeah, go ahead, Stell."

"If there was a chance, I mean. Um..." she stuttered in a very un-Stella like fashion. "...If there was a chance for me and you to become an 'us', then I would stay. So I need you to answer me truthfully. Is there a chance for us?" she asked, fixing him with a stare. Her eyes made him shudder once more; he'd miss that.

Mac thought it over for a couple seconds; enough time to allow a lifetime with Stella to pass through his mind's eye. He could see them married, with children, and even enjoying all the little moments that come as part of a relationship. But then all the pain that could happen passed through his mind – and the ghosts returned to occupy his mind once again. He shook his head, "I'm sorry," he couldn't risk it – no matter how much he loved her.

"That's all I needed to hear," she told him, the smile once again being forced upon her lips as she left his office.

"I'm sorry." He repeated once she'd left. This time it was to his heart – the thing that he had betrayed. He'd let the best thing that'd happened to him, since Claire, slip through his fingers – all because he was scared. No one would admit it to his face – but he was the biggest coward in this city. At least in his own eyes, he was.


End file.
